McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Christianity and Clapton

If you aren’t aware of McSweeney’s then you should get aware and improve your hilarity intake. I’ve been meaning to put loads of stuff up that they feature but as today is, just for a couple of hours, Good Friday here are some modern day parable type things a-and some of Eric Clapton’s songs as censored by North Korea. which are brilliant too:

  

MIDLIFE-CRISIS BIBLE STORIES.

BY SUSAN SCHORN

– – – –

The Garden of Eden

Before expelling Adam and Eve from Eden, God gave them a final test. Taking each of them aside separately, He said, “Look, I’m willing to let you stay, but only if your partner is exiled from Paradise forever.”

The Lord had hoped they would refuse such an unfair offer. But instead each exclaimed, “Yes! Let me stay! It wasn’t my fault!”

Appalled by their disloyalty, God threw them both out into the wilderness, to suffer and toil for all eternity.

But at least they had each other.
 

Noah’s Ark

In the Great Flood that God, in His anger, sent upon the Earth, every living thing that was not on the ark perished. And this was a vast relief to Noah, who had taken out a second mortgage to finance the ark. So when the waters receded he built an altar and offered sacrifices to the Lord, in thanks for his superb credit rating.

But then Noah realized that, along with all the bankers and mortgage brokers, so, too, had all the Earth’s boat dealerships been swept away. And there went his dream of trading in the ark for a 73-foot Rizzardi CR Hard Top.

It was a stupid fucking dream anyway.
 

The Annunciation

God sent the angel Gabriel to Mary in Nazareth, and Gabriel said, “Hail, Mary! You have been chosen by God to bear His only begotten son.” And Mary, being pure of heart and way too young to know what she was getting into, said, “It shall be as you say, for I am the Lord’s servant.”

Then the angel went on, “And this son will bring you nothing but misery. He’ll have a big mouth and an attitude to match. He’ll be in constant trouble with the law and spend all his spare time drinking with his friends. And he’ll never produce any grandchildren for you, or even bring home a decent girlfriend. But he’ll tell anyone who listens how great his father is.”

And Mary thought, “Well, maybe the next one will be a girl.”
 

A Prophet Without Honor

Jesus returned to his hometown of Nazareth, accompanied by his apostles. And everyone there doubted the stories they heard about him, saying, “He does miracles? You mean Jesus, the carpenter? You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve known that loser since he was 9. My sister beat him up once.”

So Jesus said, “Screw you guys. I should have known this place hadn’t changed.”

And Jesus swore he would never attend another high-school reunion as long as he lived.

– – – –

  

ERIC CLAPTON’S
CENSORED SONG LIST
IN NORTH KOREA.

BY LIONEL BEEHNER

– – – –

In the spirit of cultural diplomacy, Eric Clapton has been invited to perform a concert in North Korea in 2009.
 

Wonderful Tonight

It’s late on another glorious evening; she’s wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on just a modest amount of makeup, and brushes her unpretentiously short black hair.
And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?”
And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful—but not wonderful in a seductive way—tonight.”

 

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in some socialist paradise in the afterlife?
Would it be the same
Again, if I saw you in some socialist paradise in the afterlife?

 

Layla

Layla, you’ve got me off my knees.
Layla, I’m not begging, there’s no such thing as begging here, only
juche, darling, please.
Layla darling, no need to ease my perfectly content and never-worried mind.

 

Cocaine

If you got bad news (which does not exist), you wanna kick them blues (ditto).
Unlike Americans, don’t do cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna stay. Go home.
No Korean has ever tried cocaine.

 

Pretending

Working on the glorious sound of the band,
Getting the music perfectly right.
Two go out proudly working long hours.
No one needs to stay home at night.
That’s when she said she was not pretending.
Of course, she knows the plan.
That’s when I knew she was not pretending.
Pretending not to understand. (What is there not to understand?)

 

Bad Love

Oh what a feeling I get when I’m at a state rally.
It takes my heart into everything I do,
And it makes me sad for the lonely people like Americans.
I walked that road for so long.
Now I know that I’m one of the lucky people.
My love for country is making me strong.
I’ve never had bad love.
Kim Jong Il is someone I can be proud of.
I’ve never had bad love.
No more—no such thing—bad love.

 

It’s in the Way That You Use It

I’ve never seen dark skies, never in this country.
Walked on some thick and sturdy ice, never like this.
I’ve never told you white lies. (What are those?)
Looked into true eyes, never like this.
It’s in the way that you use it.
It comes and it never goes. (Nothing does.)
It’s in the way that you use it,
Boy (and girl), don’t you know.

 

Before You Accuse Me

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say I’ve been spending my money on nuclear weapons.
You’ve been taking money from someone else.

– – – –

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s